PAPER DREAMS

Am dealing with terrible feelings of guilt and incompetence. A more experienced mother would have handled the situation better. Yesterday Sakshi decided to behave like a brat from the moment she woke up to about an hour before she went to bed at night. I started out being the good, mature, sensible mum who tried to talk and understand. But by evening my nerves where shredded and my reaction to her behaviour degenerated into the usual mum-mode. End result – I scared her into good behaviour. She is now behaving like an angel. And I know… I know… kids need to be told off when they behave badly. And I do. But it doesn’t mean that I don’t feel terrible about it. It is wrong for a 38-year-old to take on a 5-year-old. It is an unfair battle and no adult is geared for it. As a parent we may get our way, but there is no pleasure in it.

As I watched her sleep yesterday, I made a fresh round of promises to her innocently sleeping figure – to be more understanding, more patient, listen longer without interrupting, and try and see the real, deeply buried cause behind her temper. Yesterday it was a combination of need to sleep and the after-effects of moving into a new home.

This morning when she woke up, she was at her cuddly, sweetest best. I have of course forgiven her for her tantrums. She has also forgiven me for yelling at her yesterday (I know for sure. She just imitated how a baby polar bear cuddles up the mamma polar bear. She wouldn’t do that if she were still angry. And I really don’t think 5-year-olds know how to hang on to anger overnight.) Now all I need to do is forgive myself.